Recent reports from certain conservative groups note that there has been a increase in the number of naked women seen in, on, or around horny conch shells. The conservative groups place the blame on the sea snails that occupy these horny conch shells. Reportedly these snails undergo a process known to most religions as "death," vacating their shells and leaving them open for occupation by naked women. (see fig 1.1)

The groups speculate that by simply passing legislation that would prohibit sea snails from "dying," we can eliminate the problem of naked women on horny conch shells.

"Decrease the number of vacant shells available for occupation by naked women, and we will create a more moral, family-oriented world," says one spokesperson from the Conservative Group for Regressive Change in America. (CGRCA, pronounced "Shelly")

CGRCA spokespersons also recommend more radical action if a simple ban on the death of sea snails proves ineffective, "We propose a comprehensive conch cleanup plan, to eliminate these hotbeds of immorality."

However, some more reactionary groups have taken matters into their own hands, smashing the horns off of horny conch shells on fireplace mantles everywhere. Reaction to the reactionaries has been very reactionary, with several new corporations fighting over the potential market for family filtering: "Don't damage their horns, just sensor them! Here at Superduperfamilyvaluecensors, We provide many filtering options for your mantle!" shouts one local newspaper ad.

In complete opposition to the conservative movement, some liberal groups have offered a radical new thought, as phrased by a liberal spokesperson, to "just let the naked women have their conch shells!" While one extremely dissident thinker reports a startling revelation that the issue "has something to do with the internet."

The argument still rages, with several PACs planning large campaign contributions in the upcomming election. Meanwhile, congress blindly debates a computer chip implants in American children that would trigger violent vomiting at the words "conch" and "shell." Pavlovian responses are expected within the first three months of use.

fig (1.1)
The Bad Shells