Recent reports from certain conservative groups note that there has
been a increase in the number of naked women seen in, on, or around
horny conch shells. The conservative groups place the blame on the sea
snails that occupy these horny conch shells. Reportedly these snails
undergo a process known to most religions as "death," vacating
their shells and leaving them open for occupation by naked women. (see
The groups speculate that by simply passing legislation that would
prohibit sea snails from "dying," we can eliminate the problem
of naked women on horny conch shells.
"Decrease the number of vacant shells available for occupation
by naked women, and we will create a more moral, family-oriented world,"
says one spokesperson from the Conservative Group for Regressive Change
in America. (CGRCA, pronounced "Shelly")
CGRCA spokespersons also recommend more radical action if a simple
ban on the death of sea snails proves ineffective, "We propose
a comprehensive conch cleanup plan, to eliminate these hotbeds of immorality."
However, some more reactionary groups have taken matters into their
own hands, smashing the horns off of horny conch shells on fireplace
mantles everywhere. Reaction to the reactionaries has been very reactionary,
with several new corporations fighting over the potential market for
family filtering: "Don't damage their horns, just sensor them!
Here at Superduperfamilyvaluecensors, We provide many filtering options
for your mantle!" shouts one local newspaper ad.
In complete opposition to the conservative movement, some liberal groups
have offered a radical new thought, as phrased by a liberal spokesperson,
to "just let the naked women have their conch shells!" While
one extremely dissident thinker reports a startling revelation that
the issue "has something to do with the internet."
The argument still rages, with several PACs planning large campaign
contributions in the upcomming election. Meanwhile, congress blindly
debates a computer chip implants in American children that would trigger
violent vomiting at the words "conch" and "shell."
Pavlovian responses are expected within the first three months of use.